Hard Ticket to Home Video Classic: The Ice Pirates

Hard Ticket to Home Video Classic: The Ice Pirates

Amy Cole (Kristen Stewart) left her small town behind and joined the U.S. The full list is in alphabetical order (I didn’t want to try to rank them) and the links take you to the Internet Movie Database where you can read reviews. (And I say this as someone who truly enjoys Ice Pirates.) Because when a movie best-remembered for featuring “space herpes” can boast the same degree of world-building competence as your $200 million, star-filled, wannabe blockbuster that’s probably a bad sign. For a long time I had wanted to write something that shows my view on the movie and the following series but I could never put it into words effectively, the following article is from a website I stumbled across one bleary eyed morning and have since forgotten. Released in the US as The X From Outer Space, Giant Space Monster Guilala (1967) is the only giant monster film from Japanese film studio Shochiku. I wish I had a Crappy Horror Movie Rejector device installed on my TV. And so will you.

How’d Anjelica Huston get involved with this? But the reason we as viewers, whether we’re 7 or 32, have so much fun is because it looks like everyone involved is having fun. There, at least, there was evidence of some authentic thought and consistency about the movie’s larger universe. This wasn’t some sort of ‘teens go out on a romp and start dying’ type thing. I imagine the special effects will be pretty decent. Basically her mother was a money-lending bullyboy (girl?) for a mobster in her previous life before becoming a stay-at-home single mother, and there’s quite a few people out there who still owe her delicious sums of money. Earth’s gravity tends to pull the fluids in our body downward.

The player is also introduced to Samuels, who informs Amanda that a possible lead to the Nostromo has been located on Sevastapol station. No, she is really Catholic (you know what I mean). In my opinion what is more interesting and much more successful are the political and personal interplay between various characters and factions. Having a future where pirates roam the galaxy pillaging ice like 18th century pirates were after spice, gold and rum is a decent idea to me. The game is: A brutally jarring, vomit-inducingly tense sci-fi horror shooter which flagrantly rips off Resident Evil 4, David Cronenberg, John Carpenter, Ridley Scott, James Cameron, Asteroids, and the average butcher’s shop window. Now, television picked up the slack. One uses his tongue way too much.

Roberts and the late great John Matuszak. They totally understood what type of movie they were in and are hysterical. Urich is OK but kind of takes himself a tad too seriously. And again,  with today’s special effects, this film could be huge. It’s hard for me to think back and if as a youngster how much I got how much this movie was supposed to be a joke. It does wonders with its low budget and night-time setting by crafting an eerie atmosphere and fun horror beats. I laughed along, mainly because they did but also because the Herpe was a funny looking alien (I don’t think I got the Ridley Scott spoof then but it’s enhanced for me now) and also it was the first time I heard the word herpes and I thought it was a funny sounding word (still is).
Hard Ticket to Home Video Classic: The Ice Pirates

To this day I always think of this movie whenever I hear about the venereal disease. I shit you not, a VW Bug. There, it melts the container, and then goes through the floor, in a discovery that’s uncomfortably like a section of Ridley Scott’s Alien. He’s stereotypically black and keeps calling everyone ‘blood.’ All the robots are great actually. They are clumsy and clunky and talk in a high-pitched computer voice as if a baby Stephen Hawking had a cold and breathed helium. Space Pirates vs. Space Vikings!!!

If you’ve seen Spaceballs (1987), you’ve seen the chest-burster gag done better. Seriously, this film crams as much myth and cultural genres as they can. Moving past annoyance, I confess I am slightly intrigued by the idea of another D&D movie (the 2nd was entertaining) but then I realize they are going to call it “The Book of Vile Darkness,” and can’t help but feel this sinking sensation in my stomach warning me of trouble ahead. I’m surprised there weren’t cowboys or Roman gladiators. Radiation is another hazard. Do you think it was deliberate that the sex scene looks identical to most trashy novel book covers? Gads.

This may be a rarity of our younger, seldom seen films on our list because I actually enjoy this movie more now as an adult than I did as a kid. I got more of the jokes and the humor and appreciate what the film’s motives really were. Via the medium of a punch in the face. My dad and I saw The Ice Pirates, while my mom and sister saw Footloose at the same time. The three of them reunite, only to have Lash pants Rick and Walt (metaphorically, thankfully), and kidnap Nova. Essentially what this movie tries to do is to take the best part of Star Wars (Han Solo) and turning it into a comedy about scoundrels and smugglers in outer space. Kids would want to see it simply because it was a space sci-fi adventure, and adults had the comedy genius of Robert Urich and the supple figure of Mary Crosby.

While it wasn’t a big hit by any means, as far as space spoof movies go they really nailed it. A True Space Opera, with sword fights, explosions, fighting robots, monsters, bar fights and time warps. But now that I understand it makes the scene much much funnier. The end result is an incomplete tale that fails as a horror movie while managing to generate a handful of laughs along the way. The end battle is amazing, and even though this is a spoof movie, it’s actually incredibly creative and well executed. Seeing all of the events speed up leading up to the fight with the bad guys mesmerized me when I was a kid, and as an adult it’s still very cool. We waited and waited, and when the big day finally came, we rushed to the theater with our favorite toy in hand, ready to experience greatness.

Like Gamera, Guilala is after energy. Since he grew up so fast, shouldn’t he be a babbling, drooling Robert Urich curled up in a fetal position on the floor instead of an action hero? The movie does drag in places, like the scenes with the princess’s father, a lot of the stuff in Bruce Vilanch’s palace, and most of the part on the desert planet, although the frog woman  is hot. Plus, the abrupt, freeze-frame ending feels like a bit of a let down. But overall, I love the hell out of this movie, even more now than I did. Galaxina demonstrates the capacity to self-actuate and grow, in her decision to alter her body temperature and learn to speak (from TV commercials…) but the reason behind this decision is that she has fallen in love, conveniently, with Thor…the only guy around who is not a complete and total idiot.

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