About 10 years ago I had a dream in which I found out I had full blown AIDS and only one day to live. He learned he had genital herpes three years ago. Those are just the words you utter during the morning recollections of last night. The chat will resume Tuesday after Labor Day, Sept. I didn’t tell my current boyfriend about it, and my ex spread the word to all my friends and him. Chat with your pets about sexual health—they won’t judge you. She does well in school and she doesn’t get into trouble.
This morning I dropped her off for band camp and she accidentally left her phone in the car. For some retarded reason, you have to be told in person whether or not you have AIDS. Now I have an outbreak about once a year. What your drunk mouth was spewing were all those thoughts your sober mouth didn’t have the guts to. I don’t want her to feel the shame of knowing I know. I know it was my mistake for not telling him. Instead of fixating on the risk of rejection, focus on how awesome you are and the positives you bring to the relationship.
If she were in a serious relationship, I could understand her having sex, but it’s the sending of pictures that really has me bothered. What do I do? Suffice to say the karma shit was kicking into overtime. The first thing I did was get on the Internet and look it up. Is it a form of self-destruction or the only way for us to release? It will make you want to gather up all the phones involved, smash them, douse them with acid, then bury them in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. To summarize: girl sends nude photo of self to boy, boy forwards to another girl, and within hours it’s blasted across the entire school district.
These are the moments of trust and vulnerability that become the foundations of the best relationships. Fortunately, it’s very rare for sexting to go this far—here’s a good summary of the legal issues. But even if prosecutors never get a peek at your daughter’s pictures, she needs to know that sending nude photos of herself can be a life-changer. “How are you?” he says “Lets see these results, huh? I wear my regular BVD briefs. 2. Your daughter should talk to the boys with whom she’s shared photos and explain the trouble the nude shots could cause for all of them.
If the photos have not been forwarded, everyone can simply delete them. 5. Let’s hope the parents are helpful, not hotheads. If your daughter doesn’t understand the gravity of having naked photographs of herself floating forever on the Internet, then she has a lot of growing up to do. *Update: The sequence of events in the original letter was confusing, and my attempt to clarify didn’t help. If you eat foods higher in the enzyme lysine than arginine, you are less likely to have an outbreak. You’re usually drinking to have a good time or to forget the bad ones.
Dear Prudence, My husband and I have known each other since high school and have been married almost 20 years. When we were younger, we were both liberal Democrats, like our friends and my family. Don’t Apologize At no point should you say, “I’m so sorry, but I have something to tell you.” If you frame your STD as something you are ashamed of, it makes it a bigger deal to your partner than it necessarily has to be. After 9/11, my husband changed. He became staunchly conservative, and it’s been tough on the family ever since. He’s smart, but now he needs to make sure everyone knows why they are wrong about their political beliefs. I’ve found people to talk with over the Internet.
He gets furious and calls me narrow-minded when I refuse to listen to him on political topics. It’s such a shame, because we used to revel in political discussions. Our daughter has said that she doesn’t ever want take a stand on anything political because arguments at home make her so upset. It is also not an unfair burden to ask someone to date you despite your having an STD. I love this man, but his behavior is making me crazy. Ideas? Dear Blue, Start a marital book club and have both of you read and discuss Jonathan Haidt’s The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion.
But by having other people around, there’s support. Haidt was a liberal who became somewhat more moderate through his work, but his book has been widely embraced by conservatives who feel he understands them. In this interview Haidt discusses how liberals cherish caring and fairness while conservatives praise loyalty, authority, and sanctity. He says both sides would be able to communicate better if they could appreciate each other’s core values. Having someone vanish while they make up their mind might be irritating and nerve-wracking, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Say you miss your lively debates, because now he just lectures, which is making you stop listening, giving your kids ulcers, and alienating your friends and family. Say you know that conservatives treasure traditional families, but he needs to know that his hectoring is threatening the happiness of yours.
Tell him that perhaps hasn’t realized how serious things have become, but you’re hoping if you two start this project with an open mind, you can find your way back to more civil political discussions. And if he won’t join you in this goal and endeavor, then he needs to hear from you that he’s not the man you thought he was. Dear Prudie, I’m a single mother with two children, a son, age 13, and a daughter, age 16. My son has ADHD. For the past few summers, we have shared a vacation beach house with two other families, one who has a son the same age as mine and the other with a girl the same age as my daughter. It’s not fair to pressure someone into making a decision about his or her sexual health in the heat of the moment. I asked them why we weren’t included and the friend who arranged the house said that the stress of my son’s impulsive hyperactivity ruined her vacation.
Instead of talking to me about it, she found it easier to just exclude us. My son and I have been in therapy to work on ways to help him with his self-control. The other friend says his behavior didn’t bother her, but she also didn’t talk with me about it. Right now I feel that these people are no longer my friends. Should continue to be friends with them and what I should say? Dear Summer, Your two friends behaved badly and I understand you’re questioning your entire relationship. Know That You Deserve a Yes—But Don’t Take a No Personally Sadly, an STD will be a deal-breaker for some people for a lot of reasons.
But you found out and confronted them, and hard as it was to hear, give one credit for spelling it out. (The other who went along with excluding you, then acted as if she wanted you to come, seems the more egregious violator.) Let me assume the blunt mother is the one with the 13-year-old son. It could be that her boy was the default companion to your son and that he found it difficult. It might have been kinder if instead of excluding your family for the entirety of the rental, they had asked all of you to join them for a long weekend. (Though if they were going to be honest about the limited schedule, maybe it wouldn’t have been any more palatable.) You’ve got a tough road, and supportive friends would make it easier. But now that you know what happened, you have to decide if there is something still to value in their friendship. If you think there is, get together with them at the end of the summer and say as painful as it was to hear, you preferred knowing the truth about their plans.
Remember That a Yes Doesn’t Guarantee a Good Relationship It feels validating and awesome when someone says your STD is no big deal. Tell them you hope to stay friends, but say that means they need to open their hearts to a struggling boy. Dear Prudence, I am a 47-year-old single man. I require that before I get physically involved with anyone she get full STD testing. Can you tell me why 99 percent of women refuse immediately when I broach this subject? It doesn’t matter when I bring up this personal choice to them. Also, many people believe that wearing condoms gives 100 percent protection from STD transmission, which is not the case.
People also don’t seem to realize that oral sex can transmit a herpes type 2 infection. I have not had a relationship in many years, as I have not found any women who are willing to wait for STD tests before sleeping with me. Once I demand it, they walk away. Why? Dear Clean, I find your complaint hard to understand since you obviously are capable of the most seductive charm offensive. On second thought, perhaps the problem is that you lack charm and are simply offensive. It’s surely a good idea before becoming intimate for both partners to disclose their STD status.
If both people are equally fastidious and hot for each other, I can imagine them both agreeing to get screened, and eagerly awaiting the longed-for negative results. But declaiming early in a relationship the various viruses and spirochetes you suspect your date harbors and demanding that she certify herself free from them is only going to make her want to be free of you. Keep up your current style, and you will never have to worry about contracting any sexually transmitted disease from anyone. “Past Imperfect: I want to bury my wretched childhood, but the new in-laws insist on a rehash.” Posted Aug. 18, 2011. “Fibber McGee Comes Clean: Prudie advises an elderly man consumed with shame over his chronic lies.” Posted Aug. 11, 2011.
“Take My Wife, Please: I convinced her to bed another man, and now I’m insanely jealous.” Posted Aug. 4, 2011. “A Minor Flaw: I’m dating a man who was charged with soliciting a teen for sex; I wish I’d never discovered this!” Posted July 28, 2011. “The Nudist Next Door: Dear Prudence advises a reader whose new neighbor needs better curtains—during a live chat at Washingtonpost.com.” Posted Sept. 6, 2011. “Type “R” for Revenge: Dear Prudence advises a woman who got her cheating ex fired by sending a nasty email—in a live chat at Washingtonpost.com.” Posted Aug. 29, 2011.
“Sexy Cougar or Dangerous Predator?: Dear Prudence offers advice about a May-December encounter that the victim deems harmless—during a live chat at Washingtonpost.com.” Posted Aug. 8, 2011. “Baby Blues: Dear Prudence advises a woman who regrets adopting a child—in a live chat at Washingtonpost.com.” Posted Aug. 1, 2011.