| The Michigan Daily

| The Michigan Daily

The plan is to have TESD listeners submit short works of horror fiction to be included with in a horror-themed anthology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. “In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. From being cited in divorce proceedings to playing some role in a man toasting his penis, Fifty Shades is apparently a corruptive force. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back. Fellow popstar Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas spoke to Time magazine about her long battle with a crystal meth addiction as a youngster, describing it as “the worst boyfriend (she’s) ever had to break up with.” She didn’t comment on the drug’s role in forming her album’s first single, “London Bridge,” but after a few spins, the drug’s effect on her cognitive ability is fairly obvious. That whole thing about her looking like a man, though?

| The Michigan Daily
According to one email chain, Sony learned while prepping for the release of Aloha that one actor was taking Abbreva, which is not a prescription medication. Any attempts by Affleck to deny his behavior at the time as nothing more than an acted performance for entertainment are undoubtedly false, judging by any of his recent movies. Instead, praise Affleck for recognizing that the fastest way to a girl’s heart is through a flimsy shirt (preferably from Forever 21). While Affleck has sobered up and moved into the blandest relationship in Hollywood, Us Weekly superstars Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom recently broke off their courtship. Joe continued to claim he wasn’t looking to make any money off the Paris videos, but wanted to stop them from being sold instead. I mean, who gets the eyeliner? Tension from their competing films may be a reason for the breakup; Bloom likely referred to all-time box-office standings as the trump card in all arguments.

One must always use underwear made of cotton fabric. Rumors spread earlier that Bloom transmitted herpes to the ever-shrinking Bosworth. There’s no better way to say “I love you” than herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. From a herpes-ridden couple, we go to a herpes-ridden “woman”: Paris Hilton. The model/singer/actress/porn star inevitably makes her way into the news, and nobody else seems provide more material for college newspaper-worthy snark. Last week, she was stopped for a DUI while making a trip to L.A. hotspot In-N-Out Burger.

Not surprisingly, the arrest only enhanced Hilton’s party-girl image, endearing her to a generation of girls destined to be spoiled sluts and the boys ready to help them. The late-night-munchies trip was marred when officers pulled her over with a blood alcohol content of .08, the minimum for conviction in California. Hilton must have felt right at home ending her night with her lips drunkenly wrapped around a breathalyzer, blowing until somebody told her to stop.

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